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Who's the daddy?

ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:16 AM A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully." The husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before... but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?" The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, "Yes... Yes he did have a different father." Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" and again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after a long silence she slowly said... "You."
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:19 AM A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself. " That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands."
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:19 AM hands up. bloody copy/paste
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:23 AM
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:23 AM A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:26 AM :lamo:
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:27 AM got it right this time
Opossum	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:29 AM copypasta op is copypasta
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:31 AM
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:31 AM Epidemic!
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:32 AM Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull screwing one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It IS your cow."
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:34 AM A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?". The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:36 AM I better keep away from this page otherwise my boss will be after me Back to work Ruthie!
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:37 AM Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:38 AM Or worse, he'll start reading it and laugh/walk away/fire you.
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:39 AM I'm in stitches
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:40 AM At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was fingering herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:40 AM
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:41 AM Wait no, I was laughing at the raise the dead one, not the crabs one.
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:42 AM Its ok my boss is my daughter
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:42 AM Wait no, I was laughing at the raise the dead one, not the crabs one.
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:43 AM Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam popped a cork! He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be sooooo cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee ). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...........well, good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:46 AM A ninety year old lady is on her way to the gynaecologist due to a itchy rash in her puss... When she gets there the doctor checked her out and asked, "When was the last time you've had sex?" The old lady tells the doctor that she is still a virgin... He checks her out again and the doctor tells the lady, "I don't really have a medical term for this, so I will be blunt...Your cherry has rotted."
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:47 AM Did He create the bag before putting His creations in it? Otherwise where were they while he was creating the bag? It's all so confusing. We need a pre-joke intervention team.
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 8:47 AM Women always make the right choice
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 9:03 AM George Bush woke up one morning, and looking out the window saw the phrase "George W is an ASSHOLE" written in urine in the snow. Enraged, he contacted the head of the CIA and demanded an explanation within the hour. An hour later, he recieved his report: "We have succesfuly tested the urine sample and identified the culprit as Vice President Dick Cheney". Shocked, the President wailed, "Holy fuck. My vice president is a traitor. This couldn't get any worse." "Actually Mr. President, it could," replied the CIA guy. "The handwriting belongs to First Lady Laura Bush."
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 9:04 AM The preceding joke is valid for two more days.
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 9:05 AM Uh... make that seven lol.
Candlelight	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 9:06 AM
ChillinBuzz	Date: January 13, 2009 @ 9:22 AM pre-joke intervention team? you're taking the fun out of it now @ GT
GeneHilbert	Date: January 14, 2009 @ 8:40 AM Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can be implanted and play music inside women's breast. The music is in stereo, of course. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breast, and not listening to them.
zedsalt	Date: January 14, 2009 @ 9:39 AM I think I might have run into a beta tester for those the other day. I motorboated her, and I could've sworn I heard faint music with an odd phase angle variance.
GeneHilbert	Date: January 16, 2009 @ 1:00 AM A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY.' 'I can't stand to see a man crying. "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right." "I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me." When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.
GeneHilbert	Date: January 16, 2009 @ 1:57 PM Dear Walter, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila ------------------------------------- Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps! Walter
GTOriginal	Date: January 17, 2009 @ 10:07 AM Q. Why did the rubber fly away? A. It was pissed off.
Fraser	Date: February 2, 2009 @ 2:19 PM I love you guys. All of you.
TameasDust	Date: February 4, 2009 @ 4:37 AM

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