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Tell Me A Joke...

GTLive	Date: August 28, 2004 @ 11:41 PM One day President Bush was looking out the White House Window and saw the phrase "George Bush Is An Asshole" written in the snow on the lawn. Furious, he called the director of the FBI and demanded that the culprit be caught. Later that day, he received a call from the director who told him that he had both good and bad news. Good news first: "We have identified the urine sample based on DNA. We know for certain that it was Vice President Cheney". The Bad News: "It was the First Lady's handwriting".
wet1	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 4:45 AM Q: What makes a happy man? A: Daughter on the cover of Vogue; Son on the cover of Sports Illustrated; Mistress on the cover of Playboy; and Wife on the cover of Missing Persons
GTLive	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 10:04 PM Q. What's GREEN and SINGS? A. Elvis Parsely.
imemine	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 10:25 PM Ok-----Ok------ Wait------- Oh yeah----- Ok----- Ok---------- Wait----Ok—All right-----Ok, you see, This seal walks into a club.
RaXDaCapo	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 10:26 PM 1) Q: What's black white and red all over~?? A: A wet American flag 2) Q: Whats black, brown, and red white and blue all over? A: George Bush stealing oil. 3) Q: Where's the brown come from in all of this. A: Cause he's full of shit.
sinai	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 10:32 PM Rodney King walks into a club...
imemine	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 10:37 PM Q: What’s red and green and goes 60 miles per hour? Oooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooooh, wait,wait, wait ------ I know this one!!!!!! A: a frog in a blender!
wet1	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 11:14 PM A farmer decides to sell his old tractor. He puts a want ad in the paper. For Sale One used tractor, has no seat and no steering wheel. Perfect for the one with his head up his a$$ and doesn't know which way to turn.
RaXDaCapo	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 11:30 PM LOL@sinai........ I got that one beat. R Kelly walks into the middle school during their 8th grade formal. As the people tried to prevent R Kelly from getting in, Michael Jackson puts Jesus juice in the punch...... and the rest of is on DVD somewhere.
imemine	Date: August 29, 2004 @ 11:53 PM
MCCUBED	Date: August 30, 2004 @ 1:24 AM what did one tampon say to the other? nothing. they're both stuck up bitches. what do you call a blonde upside down? a brunette. my perverted uncle opened a fishing store called master baiter
GTLive	Date: August 30, 2004 @ 1:29 AM Oh man, I am wettin' my pants. A monk leaves the monastery for the first time in 40 years, to attend a seminar in the city. When he gets there, a hooker offers him a blowjob for $5.00 - confused, the monk shrugs and walks away, only to have another hooker offer the same... As he returned from his trip, he ran into the Mother Superior from the convent next toor, and she asked about his trip to the city. He replied that it was fine, only he had a question about something he did not understand. "What's a blowjob"? Mother Superior's reply: "$5.00, same as in the city".
wet1	Date: August 30, 2004 @ 11:06 PM One of the worse air disasters to hit the Lousiana area happened yesterday. A piper cub went down, killing all on board. Emergency rescue worker Boudrouex is quoted as say that 293 bodies have so far been recovered and many more are expected to be found as workers continue thoughout the night at the Holly Hills Cemetary recovering bodies from the crash.
Maffmatix	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 12:12 AM SO- I was coming home from work the other day and my girlfriend was on the front steps, crying. I said, "Awww honey, why are you crying??" She sadly replied- "I can't be your girlfriend any more." This struck me as weird, so I asked "Why do you say that??" She said- "My mom told me you are a petophile." Amazed, I replied- "That's a big word for a 10 year old!!!"
imemine	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 12:22 AM Does that mean that wet1 is in Gary’s pants. Gary’s buying the , Steve.
imemine	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 12:27 AM Jane likes Dick---See Spot run. Run Spot run
victorsskull	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 9:42 AM Q.why did the rubber fly around the room? A. cause he got pissed off
Verification	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 11:15 AM Noone has said it yet... Why did the chicken cross the road?... (Atogether now) To get to the other side!!
GTLive	Date: August 31, 2004 @ 11:30 PM George Bush was at the local bar slamming down shots with Dick Cheney. George stared getting sloppy and called the bartender over. GWB: Know what we're doing,buddy?We're planning out World War Three! HA! Bartender: How are you going to do that? GWB: We are going to start by killing off nine million Iraqis. Then we are going to kill one bicycle repairman. Bartender: Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman? GWB: See what I mean, Dick? No one is going to give a shit about the nine million Iraqis! Bada Boom!
imemine	Date: September 1, 2004 @ 12:06 AM Sure Dick didn't make that plan?
MCCUBED	Date: September 1, 2004 @ 1:04 AM GOOD 1 GARY. AN IRISHMAN, A MEXICAN AND A BLONDE WERE AT A HIGHRISE CONSTRUCTION SITE EATING LUNCH ON ONE OF THOSE STEELE BEAMS. THE IRISHMAN SAYS IF I HAVE 1 MORE CORNBEEF SANDWICH FOR LUNCH I'LL JUMP. THE MEXICANO SAYS IF I HAVE ANOTHER BURRITO FOR LUNCH I'LL JUMP. AND THE BLONDE SAYS IF I HAVE ANOTHER HAM SANDWICH I'LL JUMP. SO THE NEXT DAY THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME FOOD AS ALWAYS AND THEY ALL JUMP TO THEIR DEATH. AT THE FUNERAL, THE IRISH WIFE SAYS, "IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WOULD OF JUMPED I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM SOMETHING ELSE." THE MEXICAN WIFE SAID, "IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN I WOULD HAVE MADE HIM TACOS OR SOMETHING." THE BLONDE'S WIFE SAYS, "DON'T LOOK AT ME HE MAKES HIS OWN LUNCH."
wet1	Date: September 2, 2004 @ 6:17 PM This is even funnier if you are old enough to remember seeing "Who's on first" by Abbott and Costello. Costello wants to buy a Computer from Abbott. ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Yes. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the names Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1." COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"? ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?? ABBOTT: Click on "START" .
RaXDaCapo	Date: September 3, 2004 @ 9:18 PM QUESTION: What was black?? Now is white, and soon to be clear~??
RaXDaCapo	Date: September 5, 2004 @ 1:29 PM A: Michael Jackson
moam	Date: September 10, 2004 @ 3:22 PM Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small? cuz they aren't his Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? he thought it was a delivery service
GTLive	Date: September 11, 2004 @ 11:18 PM Blonde Jokes: Q. Did you hear about the blonde who froze to death at the Drive-In Movies? A. She went to see "Closed For The Winter". ------------------ A blonde goes to the hairdresser and asks for a trim. He tells her certainly, just remove the walkman headphones, and they would begin right away. She states that she cannot remove the headphones, becaus if she did, she would die! "You will just have to work around them", she said. The hairdresser began working, and after a few mionutes noticed that the blonde fell asleep. Seeing his chance, he slipped the headphones off the blonde's head, figuring he could cut her hair and sneak them back on. Her eyes flew open and she immediately started gasping and convulsing. The walkman flew across the room, and the blonde turned blue and died right in the chair. The hairdresser called 911 and waited for the police. He began to wonder just what the blonde was listening to, so he picked up the walkman, put the headphones on, and heard... ...a deep voice repeating the phrase "Breathe In. Breathe Out."
kyodylee	Date: September 11, 2004 @ 11:59 PM BLONDE BEATS LAWYER! -------------------- A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
MikeSmith	Date: September 12, 2004 @ 10:29 AM UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
MickeyBreezy	Date: September 12, 2004 @ 3:21 PM ok, this guy is gonna get married 2 his highschool sweetheart, they r planning the wedding n errything is in order. her family invites him 2 their house 4 a lil get 2gether 1 nite. when he gets thurr his wife 2 b is not there, nor n.e. 1 else, except his fiance's sister. she is very attractive, but he is madly in love w/ his girl. she starts flirting and being very seductive. he resists. she invites him up 2 her room. while walking upstairs, he is behind, n she has a short skirt on, revealing that she has on no panties. he immediately stops, turns around, n walks 2ward the door. when he opens the door, her father is on the outside, n cheerfully says "u've passed the test, we now kno u will b faithful, n we gladly give u our daughter's hand in marriage." ....the moral of the story is: ALWAYS KEEP UR CONDOMS IN THE CAR.
mtekk	Date: September 12, 2004 @ 10:28 PM there is this trout in a stream ready to jump up and eat a fly hovering above it's head, a bear watches this from shore, and is waithing for the fish to jump so it can have a swat at the trout, a hunter is on the other side of the stream ready to shoot the bear, there is a cheese sandwitch in the hunters pocket that's about to fall out, a m ouse behind the hunter that's ready to pounce on the sandwitch. A cat is behind the m ouse, ready to pounce on it. The fish jumps gets the fly, the bear swats and misses, the hunter shoots and misses, the cheese sandwitch falls on the ground, the mouce pounces on it, the cat punces on the m ouse but misses it and lands in the stream. What is the moral of the story? ...When the fly goes down the pussy gets wet.

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