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Let's hear some jokes....

onewhodreams	Date: November 9, 2004 @ 9:54 PM I'll start... Drinking Buddies Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into the bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, “WHO’S HORNY”..!.” and she acts like she is asleep EVERY TIME.
victorsskull	Date: November 9, 2004 @ 11:44 PM
Acumen	Date: November 10, 2004 @ 10:11 AM Three men are at a bar, and they see this prositute, and being like the bottom-of-the-barrel selfs, all of them decides to get some off the hooker. The first guy goes with her, and after he comes back he says "Nothing great, i had better." The second guy goes with her and after he comes back he goes "It was okay, but I had better with my wive." The third guy goes, and when he comes back he goes "Yeah, your wive is way better."
GTLive	Date: November 10, 2004 @ 10:28 AM Little Girl In Church: Mommy why is the bride all dressed in white? Mother: Well, honey, white is a happy color, and because today is the happiest day of her life, she tells everyone by wearing a white dress. Girl: OK. Why is the groom in black then?
geetarman	Date: November 10, 2004 @ 10:34 AM MY FOOT: A guy comes limping into the doctor's office. He says, "Nurse, my foot is killing me.." Nusre tells him to get ready for the doctor in the examination room. Ten minutes go by and the doctor walks in. The man has his pants around his ankles. The doctor looks at his clipboard. Then the doctor looks up and says, "Why are do you have your pants pulled down, I thought you had a problem with your foot?" The man the man looks down at himself and says, "Well, doc, I know it's only 11 and three quarters but I call it a foot!"
killoFunk	Date: November 11, 2004 @ 11:53 AM Rodney King walks into a club... ba-doom boom.
Traf	Date: November 14, 2004 @ 8:21 AM When I woke up the other morning there was a strange voice coming from inside my knee.. it said.. 'lend me some money mate' Then another voice came from inside my shin bone and it said.. 'Couldn't let lend me 5 bucks till saturday, could you?' and then another voice inside my thigh went.. 'Hey, you haven't got any spare cash have you' Thinking I was going insane, I rushed down the doctors and told him what had happened.. He had a quick look at me and said.. Ah yes... I see the problem.. Your leg is broke in 3 places..
sinai	Date: November 14, 2004 @ 2:32 PM this priest and this rabbi walk into a bar. bartender looks up and says "what is this, a joke?"
soundsseeker	Date: November 14, 2004 @ 7:38 PM Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to!
geetarman	Date: November 15, 2004 @ 7:27 PM Why were Michael Jacksons pants so short? They weren't his... How do you know MJ is having a party? All the big wheels in his driveway... How do you know when MJ is dating? You spot him shopping at Toys R Us...
koiulpoi	Date: November 15, 2004 @ 9:03 PM Alright, not jokes, but funny crazy ideas that make me laugh... If I were to kill myself... I'd get a katana, attach it to a ceiling fan, get a trampoline, and decapitate myself... No... Find a stick...find a hibernating bear... No... Fill a small building with explosives...stand in the middle...fire a rocket launcher... Fine. Don't take the meat bridge.
Traf	Date: November 16, 2004 @ 12:25 PM Nelson Mandela was sitting in his living room watching the TV when he heard a knock at the door. He opened the front door, and standing there was a little Japanese man carrying a box of car brake linings. The little man hands a piece of paper to Nelson Mandela and says "You sign this, you sign this" Nelson Mandela insists he had not order any car brake shoes and tells him to go away. The following evening the door bell rings again. Nelson Mandela opens the door and sees the same little Japanese man, this time holding a box of car headlamps and saying. "You sign this, you sign this" Nelson Mandela say's "look, I told you yesterday, I haven't ordered any car parts.. Go away" The following night the bell goes again.. Nelson Mandela jumps up and pulls open the door and sure enough, it's the little Japanese man, this time with a truck load of car exhausts and saying... "You sign this, you sign this..." Nelson Mandela say's "Look, I told you yesterday, and the day before, I haven't order any car part.. You have the wrong person, now go away and don't bother me again..." The little Japanese man looks puzzled and glances down at the piece of paper that he's been trying to get Nelson Mandela to sign and says" You mean your name is not Nissan Maindealer"
onewhodreams	Date: November 16, 2004 @ 12:35 PM
2step-4eva	Date: November 16, 2004 @ 12:41 PM lol @ traf thats the funniest so far a man and a giraffe walk into a bar. a few hours and quite a few drinks later, the giraffe is lying on the floor, wasted. after last orders, and the man gets up to leave, "you cant leave that lying there!" says the bartender. the man replies "its not a lion, its a giraffe" . . its funny cos its not funny
wailingmiserere	Date: November 16, 2004 @ 4:30 PM There's this Irish guy called Paddy, who's standing on a cliff. One of his mates suddenly comes running past him, holding a parrot over his head, and shoots it on the way down. Next another one of Paddy's mates appears, hanging onto a hen. He jumps over the side of the cliff too. Finally, another of his mates appears with a budgie and, yes, jumps over the side of the cliff. Paddy looks over the cliff and shakes his head in dismay. 'I don't know he says. 'First Micky with his parrot-shooting, then Seamus with his hen-gliding and now Conor with his budgie-jumping!' The worst jokes are always the best.
onewhodreams	Date: November 16, 2004 @ 6:11 PM Husband and Wife Humor WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: (with a hurtful look on her face.) "You would!" HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?" HUSBAND: "I guess so." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: (silence) HUSBAND: "Shit."
onewhodreams	Date: November 17, 2004 @ 1:13 PM One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!''
GTLive	Date: November 17, 2004 @ 1:36 PM A blonde gets in an elevator and sees her boss standing there. Wanting to make an impression, she says, "Good morning Mr. Smith, T.G.I.F." He gives her a funny look, and replies "S.H.I.T." The blonde is a little confused by this, so she repeats herself, "T.G.I.F." Mr. Smith immediately responds once again with "S.H.I.T.". Now the blonde is getting a little irritated so she explains, "T.G.I.F. - Thank Goodness It's FRIDAY, get it?" Mr. Smith replies, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".
Traf	Date: November 17, 2004 @ 1:56 PM lol.. this is getting bad.. ok then .. you asked for it.. This lady walks into the veterinary surgery with her pet parrot. the vet examines the parrot and says "I'm sorry, but your parrot is dead' "DEAD" cries the woman 'Polly can't be dead, you must be mistaken" 'No, I'm sorry" says the vet "Your parrot really is dead" The woman get's really upset and starts shouting.. :"He can't be dead.. not Pollly.. You must be mistaken. Maybe he's in a deep sleep or a coma or something.." The vet replies. "You parrot is dead... I'm sorry" The woman shouts "I'm not having that.. I want a second opinion" The vet nods his head and turns towards the door and gives a load whistle and in through the door walks this big black labrador. The vet points to the parrot laying on the table and the dog sniffs it, looks up at the vet and gives a loud woof and then wanders back out the room.. the vet then calls a name and in walks this big fluffy cat.. Again he points to the parrot and the cat jumps onto the table, sniffs the parrot up and down, looks up at the vet and lets out a load meow. The vet turns to the woman and says.. there you.. it's definitely dead. The woman hangs her head and says "oh..ok.. How much do I owe you?" The vet says "That will be £257 please" The woman looks up and says in a load voice "£257.. just for you to tell me my parrot's dead" "Ahhh" says the vet "It would have only cost £15 but what with the cat scan and lab report"
GTLive	Date: November 18, 2004 @ 10:50 PM Closed For The Winter." id="118219">OMG, this is getting really funny! Awesome thread. Scan indeed! A lady goes to the doctor, and is informed that her regular doctor is away and that the practice is being covered by a Dr. Fujimoto. The lady says, "So what no big deal" and finds herself being thoroughly examined by an eccentric looking asian doctor. When the exam is complete, he sadly shakes his head and informs her that she is suffering from a rare condition called Ed Zachary disease. "Oh my GOD!", she exclaimed. "Is this serious, doctor"? His answer: "Ahhh so, Ed Zachary disease very very very serious condition - it means your ass and your face rook edzachary arike". ------------------- Q. Did your hear about the two blondes who froze to death at the Drive-In movie? A. They went to see Closed For The Winter.
GTLive	Date: November 21, 2004 @ 6:27 PM George Bush woke up one fine morning and looked out his bedroom window where, to his horror, someone had urinated the words "George W. Bush Is An Asshole" into the snow. Furious, he called the director of the FBI and demanded that the culprit be caught. One hour later, the director of the FBI made his report: "Sir, our forensic team has positively identified the urine sample as having come from Vice President Cheney". The president was shocked, "My goodness, the Vice President is a traitor, it just doesn't get any worse than this", he said. "I'm afraid it does, sir", replied the FBI director. "It was the First Lady's handwriting".
Traf	Date: November 23, 2004 @ 9:50 AM lol... Did you know that somebody once gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater. he gave it back a week later and said it was the most violent book he'd ever read..
onewhodreams	Date: November 23, 2004 @ 10:13 AM
thought-fox	Date: November 23, 2004 @ 10:29 AM I hope everyone feels lots of sympathy for me.... I have to live with Traf's jokes 24/7
tsand19151	Date: November 23, 2004 @ 6:49 PM a farmboy was feeling extra horny so he decided to mount one of the sheep. He looks around to make sure no one is watching and pulls down his pants. Just as he is about to mount the sheep an angry guard dog runs over and chases farmboy away. 10 minutes later farmboy comes back and tries again. Once again the well trained guard dog attacks the boy and chases him away. 20 minutes later farmboy tries to mount the sheep again and sure enough the angry dog frightens farmboy away. Finally giving up, farmboy decides it's safer just to jerk off. Just as he is about to masterbate, a loud argument disrupts him. Seems the local hooker is being assaulted by her pimp over a money issue. Just as the pimp is about the strike the hooker farmboy runs over and taps the pimp on the shoulder. The pimp turns around and farmboy hits him smack dab in the face and knocks him out cold. The hooker brushes herself off and says, "thank-you, thank-you!! 5 more minutes and he would have killed me. you saved my life!! How could I ever repay you? I'd do ANYTHING for you". Farmboy looks at her and says nothing. "Did you hear me?" she says. "you're kinda cute and I would do anything for you". Farmboy raises an eyebrow and says, "anything?" The hooker slowly licks her lips, fondles her breast and in a sexy voice whispers, "anyhthing". "Fine", says farmboy, "you think you could distract that dog for about 15 minutes?"
onewhodreams	Date: November 23, 2004 @ 6:53 PM Just the first line made me laugh... ok (keeps reading) OK.. maybe I should have stopped at the first line
Traf	Date: November 25, 2004 @ 8:05 AM This is getting even worse.. Doctor - "What do you want first.. the good news or the bad news?" Patient - 'Gimme the bad news first doc" Doctor - "Well... I'm afraid we've amputated the wrong leg" Patient - "Oh no.. what's the good news then" Doctor - 'Your other leg's getting better" Doctor - "What do you want first.. the good news or the bad news?" Patient - 'Gimme the bad news first doc" Doctor - "Well... I'm afraid the operation has turned you gay" Patient - "Really.. what's the good news then" Doctor - "I love you'
ICF	Date: November 25, 2004 @ 10:52 AM Q - How do you get a blonde out of a tree... A - Wave to them ----------------------------------------------------------- Pathologist comes home after a day at work. His wife says "Hi honey, how was your day?" he sighs and says "It was DEAD boring!"
Snoogans775	Date: November 28, 2004 @ 3:17 AM edzachary arike, oh jeez here's a good ol' fictional anecdote. Three dead guys are waiting at the pearly gates of heaven. After an extremely long wait, St. Peter finally comes out and tells them that due to an unfortunate toilet situation only one person could enter the gates. To be just, St. Peter decides that he'll take in the man who died the most tragic death. The first man steps forward, "Well, Mr. Pete, for a long time I had begun to suspect my wife had been cheating on me. So I came home early from work one day to my 42nd floor apartment to find her completely naked in bed and with a strangers clothes strewn across the bedroom. In a violent fervor I stampeded through my apartment looking for the bastard until I finally lost my steam and went out to have a smoke on my balcony. And what do ya' know?! The bastard's hanging off the edge of my balcony butt naked dangling 42 stories high. So I began to smash and pound on his fingers til I watched him fall to his doom, to my dismay, he landed in a prickerbush and was still thrashing, so in a rage, I ran inside my kitchen, grabbed my refrigerator and hucked it over the age, finally crushing him. I found myself unable to live with the guilt of killing another man, and that same night I killed myself with a shotgun." "Next!" said St. Peter with a look of boredom. "Alright, so one night I walked to the balcony of my 44th story apartment balcony to perform my nightly ritual of nude yoga. After an exhilarating flossing sun position, I lost my footing and slipped 2 stories down before I gripped onto another ledge. Before I knew what was happening, some PSYCHO ran out and start pounding on my fingers. Unable to keep my grip, I fell all 42 stories into a bush, where I painfully writhed in my final moments. Apparently death by refrigerator was my final doom." "hmmmm," said st. Peter as he motioned the next man forward. The next man, with a confident smile upon his face, said, "ALright, picture this, you're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator."
hueseph	Date: November 28, 2004 @ 3:34 AM A cannibal passed a missionary in the bush........
w0rds	Date: November 28, 2004 @ 8:35 AM A man is walking by the streets, going to work, and then he sees a post in a house that reads: "Selling Skitski". He thinks by himself "What is this Skitski? Ah, who cares." Then he arrives his office and barely can work, because of his curiosity in knowing what's Skitski. He also can't sleep thinking about it, and decides to stop by the store in the next morning. "I'm not going to buy anything, anyway." He stops by the house and yells "IS THERE ANYBODY HOUSE?". Nobody answers. He starts to get angry, but decides to head the work as he always did. He barely couldn't do its job, again. When his jobtime is over, he goes to that house again, and yells even more stronger "IS THERE FUCKING ANYBODY IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE?" Then an old lady goes out and says, "What do you want, sonny?", and he says "I want to know what's Skitski. Can you tell me?". She answers coldly, "Oh no, sorry. If you want to know what's Skitski you're gonna have to pay." He thinks "She must be crazy, I'm not paying nothing.". He says it's late and goes home. And he can barely sleep again, thinking about what is this damn Skitski. On the other day, he stops by the old lady and says "OK Mrs. Skitski, how much do you want?", she answers "100 dollars, and I'll let you know it.". And then he thinks "She actually IS CRAZY, I'll NEVER pay 100 dollars!" and goes to work. But the curiosity has already taken his sense of reason. He realizes it and decides to pay for it anyway. He is not going to die for 100 dollars. On the way back home, he stops by the old lady and yells "OK I'LL PAY! HERE! Take it". She says "Nice, but if you really want to know you'll have to pay much, much more than this". And he thinks "Oh hell. Now what". He goes home thinking "I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything, I'm not doing anything.". But on the next morning he stops by the old lady's house and asks "OK You grandbitchma, what do you want?". "I want 1 million dollars", answers she. At this time he can't take it anymore. He goes to the city bank, withdraws the money and gives her. "TAKE IT, NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THIS DAMN SKITSKI!". "But if you really want to know what is Skitski, you'll have to pay much, much more.", says she. He really can't take it anymore, and goes home feeling like he could die. On the other day, he goes to work thinking "HELL I'M NOT GOING TO PAY NOTHING MORE". But on the way home, he has to stop by the old lady's house and ask her "OK YOU HELLISH LADY, YOU ALREADY DESTROYED MY LIFE, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?". "I actually want an island in Hawaii", answers she. Even hesitating, he buys the island and gives her. "TAKE IT, NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THIS DAMN SKITSKI!". "But if you really want to know what is Skitski, you'll have to pay much, much more.", says she. On the other day, he goes to work thinking "HELL I'M NOT GOING TO PAY NOTHING, NOTHING MORE". But on the way home, he has to stop by the old lady's house and ask her "OK YOU HELLISH LADY, YOU ALREADY DESTROYED MY LIFE, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?". "I actually want a big mansion in the island, too.", answers she. Even MORE hesitating, he buys her the mansion and all the fornitures etc and gives her. "TAKE IT, NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SKITSKI!". "But if you really want to know what is Skitski, you'll have to pay more, much more.", says she. On the other day, he goes to work thinking "HELL, I'M NOT GOING TO PAY NOTHING, NOTHING MORE". But on the way back home, he has to stop by the old lady's house and ask her "OK YOU HELLISH LADY, YOU ALREADY DESTROYED MY LIFE, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?". "I want a helicopter", answers she. Hesitating enough, he buys her the fucking helicopter. "TAKE IT, NOW TELL ME WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SKITSKI, PLEASE!". "No, if you want to know what is Skitski, you'll have to pay more, much more", says she. On the other day he goes to work thinking "HELL, I'M NOT GOING TO PAY NOTHING, NOTHING MORE". But on the way back home, he has to stop by the old lady's house and ask her "OK YOU! YOU ALREADY DESTROYED MY LIFE, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?". "I want an airplane", answers she. No more hesitating, he buys her the airplane, and in the way to her island the plane crashes and they both die.
onewhodreams	Date: November 28, 2004 @ 11:54 AM Snoogans775 That was funny!
mdearing	Date: November 28, 2004 @ 12:05 PM A horse walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, why the long face?" duh duh duh
Hlao-roo	Date: December 10, 2004 @ 2:42 PM Snoogans.... OMG that is funny! Best one here!
GTLive	Date: December 18, 2004 @ 10:12 PM once upon a time A kindergarten pupil told his teacher that he found a cat, but that it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked him. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exlaimed in suprise. "You know," explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'Psssst!' and it didn't move."
kyodylee	Date: December 19, 2004 @ 3:23 AM Just for Gatherer: Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin. He is in need of new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He drives to Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?" Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
Gatherer	Date: December 19, 2004 @ 3:26 AM Oh, Kyodylee....you're SO romantic! hee hee
Traf	Date: December 19, 2004 @ 8:07 AM I went to the doctors the other day.. he said 'Can you come over to the window and stick out your tounge' I said 'Why?' he said.. 'I hate those people living over there'

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