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flashy1234	Date: May 14, 2003 @ 10:54 PM The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A few minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much longer and louder fart. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!" -- A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Are you aware that I can book you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "Oh my god, I left the baby on the bus again!" -- They were dating but, because of her religious scruples, she'd refused to have sex. One day, as they were heading down the F1, his slow driving irritated her. "Look, I can't stand it," she said. "Let's play a game. For every 5 k's over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove a piece of my clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and pressed the accelerator. As he reached 115kph she took off her blouse. At 120 off camer her pants. at 125 it was her bra and at 130 her knickers. Seeing her naked he got wildly excited, and lost control of the car. It veered off the freeway, rolled off the embakment, and wrapped itself around a tree. She was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him from the car, but he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he moaned. "But I don't have anything to cover myself with," she said. The bloke felt around but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to hold this in front yourself," he told her. So she did - and headed to the freeway for help. Along came a semi-trailor. The driver saw the naked woman and pulled over to see if she wanted a lift. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend! He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The driver looked down at the shoe between her legs and said, "Darling, if he's in that far I'm afraid he's a goner." -- Teacher: " Today we're going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anyone know any multi-syllable words?" Little Johnny: " Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Teacher: " All right little Johnny, what's your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny: " Mas - tur - bate." Teacher: " Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthfull!" Little Johnny: " No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job." -- A man goes to see his doctor... "Well, I've got good news and bad news," the doctor says. Naturally, the man wants to hear the bad news first. The doctor says bluntly, "You have 1 week to live." The man is devasted. "Oh my god, this is horrible. What am I going to do?" Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembers that there was good news too. "Doc, is there a cure or something?" "Cure, of course not. I wouldn't have told you that you have one week to live if there was a cure." "But I thought you said there was some good news too." "Oh yeah, that's right. You remeber the beautiful nurse you saw when you came in?" "Yeah," the man said, puzzled. "The blonde one in the tight white uniform?" "Yeah," the man agrees. "The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out the top..." "Yeahhh," the man says, beginning to cheer up a bit. "Well," the doctor leans in close to confide, "I'm fucking her." -- At the 1999 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with out husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I wasn't going to do the cooking anymore and he would have to cook for himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day he cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from France stood up: "After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and he would have to do it himself. aAfter the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day he not only did his washing, but mine as well!" The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Italy stood up: After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would not do the cooking, cleaning or shopping for him anymore. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little out of my left eye..." -- A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for a few months after having a stroke, and she had stayed by his bedside every single day, in case he woke up, if only for a few minutes. One day when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house. When I got shot. You were right there. When my health started failing, you were right by my side... and you know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth "I think you're bad luck. Why don't you just fuck off?" -- 4 men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. an engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a public servant. To show off, the engineer called his dog. "T-square, do your stuff" T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed this was pretty smart. The accountant called his dog. "Spreadsheet, do your stuff" Spreadsheet went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The chemist called his dog "Measure, do your stuff." Measure took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exatcly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone was impressed. The three men looked at the public servant. "What can your dog do?" The public servant smiled and called his dog, "Coffee break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other 3 dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report of unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. -- A man and a woman fall in love and the man asks the woman to marry him. "But we don't know anything about eachother," the woman says. "That's ok, we can learn about eachother as time goes on." The woman agrees and they get married. On the honeymoon in Hawii they are by the pool relaxing, and the man goes up to the highest diving board and does a triple somersault dive into the pool. "Wow, that's amazing!" the woman says. "I never knew you could dive like that!" "See, I told you we'd learn more about eachother," the man says. The woman jumps into the pool and swims 30 laps and comes out, hardly out of breath. "That's incredible," the man says. "Did you use to be an olympic swimmer?" "No," she said. "I used to be a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..." -- The shuttle Colombia's black box was finally recovered. Last transmission sounds like this: "go on let her have a drive, what harm could it do?" - =) ciao " id="45939">10 of my fav jokes... =) -- A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner.. This is to be her first meeting with the family, and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating, and the woman is feeling a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a little bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table hears it. Before she even had a chance to be embarressed, her boyfriends father looks over at the dog which had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A few minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time she didn't even hesitate. She let out a much longer and louder fart. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" A few minutes later, the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!" -- A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Are you aware that I can book you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "Oh my god, I left the baby on the bus again!" -- They were dating but, because of her religious scruples, she'd refused to have sex. One day, as they were heading down the F1, his slow driving irritated her. "Look, I can't stand it," she said. "Let's play a game. For every 5 k's over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove a piece of my clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and pressed the accelerator. As he reached 115kph she took off her blouse. At 120 off camer her pants. at 125 it was her bra and at 130 her knickers. Seeing her naked he got wildly excited, and lost control of the car. It veered off the freeway, rolled off the embakment, and wrapped itself around a tree. She was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him from the car, but he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he moaned. "But I don't have anything to cover myself with," she said. The bloke felt around but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to hold this in front yourself," he told her. So she did - and headed to the freeway for help. Along came a semi-trailor. The driver saw the naked woman and pulled over to see if she wanted a lift. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend! He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The driver looked down at the shoe between her legs and said, "Darling, if he's in that far I'm afraid he's a goner." -- Teacher: " Today we're going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anyone know any multi-syllable words?" Little Johnny: " Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Teacher: " All right little Johnny, what's your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny: " Mas - tur - bate." Teacher: " Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthfull!" Little Johnny: " No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job." -- A man goes to see his doctor... "Well, I've got good news and bad news," the doctor says. Naturally, the man wants to hear the bad news first. The doctor says bluntly, "You have 1 week to live." The man is devasted. "Oh my god, this is horrible. What am I going to do?" Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembers that there was good news too. "Doc, is there a cure or something?" "Cure, of course not. I wouldn't have told you that you have one week to live if there was a cure." "But I thought you said there was some good news too." "Oh yeah, that's right. You remeber the beautiful nurse you saw when you came in?" "Yeah," the man said, puzzled. "The blonde one in the tight white uniform?" "Yeah," the man agrees. "The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out the top..." "Yeahhh," the man says, beginning to cheer up a bit. "Well," the doctor leans in close to confide, "I'm fucking her." -- At the 1999 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with out husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband I wasn't going to do the cooking anymore and he would have to cook for himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day he cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The second speaker from France stood up: "After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and he would have to do it himself. aAfter the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day he not only did his washing, but mine as well!" The crowd cheered. The third speaker from Italy stood up: After last years conference I went home and told my husband that I would not do the cooking, cleaning or shopping for him anymore. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing. But on the third day I could see a little out of my left eye..." -- A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for a few months after having a stroke, and she had stayed by his bedside every single day, in case he woke up, if only for a few minutes. One day when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When we lost the house. When I got shot. You were right there. When my health started failing, you were right by my side... and you know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth "I think you're bad luck. Why don't you just fuck off?" -- 4 men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. an engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a public servant. To show off, the engineer called his dog. "T-square, do your stuff" T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed this was pretty smart. The accountant called his dog. "Spreadsheet, do your stuff" Spreadsheet went to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The chemist called his dog "Measure, do your stuff." Measure took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exatcly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone was impressed. The three men looked at the public servant. "What can your dog do?" The public servant smiled and called his dog, "Coffee break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other 3 dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report of unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. -- A man and a woman fall in love and the man asks the woman to marry him. "But we don't know anything about eachother," the woman says. "That's ok, we can learn about eachother as time goes on." The woman agrees and they get married. On the honeymoon in Hawii they are by the pool relaxing, and the man goes up to the highest diving board and does a triple somersault dive into the pool. "Wow, that's amazing!" the woman says. "I never knew you could dive like that!" "See, I told you we'd learn more about eachother," the man says. The woman jumps into the pool and swims 30 laps and comes out, hardly out of breath. "That's incredible," the man says. "Did you use to be an olympic swimmer?" "No," she said. "I used to be a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal..." -- The shuttle Colombia's black box was finally recovered. Last transmission sounds like this: "go on let her have a drive, what harm could it do?" - =) ciao
lordDeaconGreen	Date: May 15, 2003 @ 2:02 PM LMAO OMG TSIH IAROTF SMOMA&CMS Laughing my ass off Oh my God This Shit is Hillarious I am rolling on tha floor Smack Me On my ass & call me silly
Karmatic	Date: May 15, 2003 @ 4:22 PM what are hairy with eight legs? four french women.

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