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Chuck Norris Facts

JasonJSmoke	Date: January 11, 2006 @ 10:26 PM 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever. 2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death. 6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice. 7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 8. Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. 9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian. 10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten. 11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. Additional Chuck Norris Facts * Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. * Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. * Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. * The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed misserably. * If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. * Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. * Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. * There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live. * Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. * Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. * Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. * When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. * The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. * A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. * Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. * Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. * Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." * The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade. * Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" * Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. * Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. * Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. * Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. * Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate. * Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris * Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. * Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds. * Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. * If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself. * Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris. * Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking. * The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn. * In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
MindSculpture	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 3:36 AM Chuck Norris is an arse! ....just don't tell him i said that.
psypig	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 4:14 AM www.uncyclopedia.com - search for chuck norris.
MinisterofSc...	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 10:26 AM that's hilarious
K3VIN	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 12:45 PM wasnt there already a forum for this
MindSculpture	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 3:55 PM ...There was but Chuck Norris round-house kicked it right through the server!
JasonJSmoke	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 6:26 PM Then he Roundhouse kicked the server.
GTOriginal	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 11:45 PM " id="192053">Any excuse to show off works for me.
GTOriginal	Date: January 12, 2006 @ 11:47 PM " id="192055">DAMMIT! Too many head shots.
MindSculpture	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 3:11 AM Who thinks GT could take Chuck?
hueseph	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 3:52 AM ^^hands down. Chuck Norris would still be flippin burgers at McDonalds if Bruce Lee Hadn't kicked his ass first in Chinese Connection.
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 9:43 AM Gary Karate Videos :sun: :guitarist: :2notes:" id="192113"> Makes no difference, because I'm anti-violent. Besides, Chuck could pay me to take a dive lol But hey while I'm here, I'll show off some more. Gary Karate Videos
MindSculpture	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 10:08 AM The only way Chuck would ever pay for your dive would be to fork out for your funeral after he has Nunckaku kicked you into orbit!
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 10:19 AM I was under the impression that Chuck Norris was a karate sensei and an actor, I never knew he was a thug. Guess you learn something new every day. Choose character, choose strength.
GTOriginal	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 10:24 AM But when it comes right down to it, my money is on ANY UFC style fighter over ANY traditional karate ka. The times have changes and fighting techniques have evolved over the centuries.
tooles	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 3:28 PM My money is on Mr. T. I pity the fool who bets against him.
K3VIN	Date: January 13, 2006 @ 4:38 PM UFC Heavy Hitters 53 Best Damn Video Ever
shadowself	Date: January 14, 2006 @ 10:47 AM Chuck Norris was born in a house that he built with his bare hands.
zedsalt	Date: January 15, 2006 @ 10:49 AM partial birth construction
MindSculpture	Date: January 16, 2006 @ 8:10 AM When Chuck breaks wind...there is a small earthquake on Mars.
sinai	Date: January 16, 2006 @ 8:36 AM Jackie Chan once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight... haven't heard much from Jackie lately have ya?
K3VIN	Date: January 18, 2006 @ 6:29 PM chuck norris lost his virginity... before his dad
shadowself	Date: January 18, 2006 @ 9:32 PM I hope 'before' does not mean 'in front of' in this case.
The-Pho-King	Date: January 19, 2006 @ 10:09 AM I'm going to do the unthinkable! I CHALLENGE YOU CHUCK NORRIS! bwuahahaaha! without roundhouse kicks! you are nothing without them BWUAHAHAHA
The-Pho-King	Date: January 20, 2006 @ 11:16 PM nobody cares now. is it because they dont want to be around when i kill him...wait...oh no....the other way around...
downtowndonnie	Date: January 21, 2006 @ 3:02 AM Hehe... When Chuck Norris jumps into a lake or a pool, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck.
JohnAnderson	Date: February 4, 2006 @ 2:04 AM The wolly mamoth is extinct becaus Chuck Norris thought it was mocking his beard
JohnAnderson	Date: February 4, 2006 @ 2:04 AM chuck norris doesnt have a railing on his lofted bed because gravity knows better...
JDFreeSoul	Date: February 4, 2006 @ 7:17 AM Only Chuck Norris knows where I live.
plungerboy	Date: February 24, 2006 @ 7:16 PM chuck norris is everyones father
leflaw	Date: February 24, 2006 @ 8:09 PM Chuck Norris includes all Chuck Morris'es
Fire-Eater	Date: March 2, 2006 @ 8:54 PM Contrary to popular belief, it was actually Chuck Norris who originally vandalized Stonehenge. He later justified this by re-errecting the entire monument with his teeth.

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