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..I'm Going To Sleep, But Never Coming Awake..(SONG)..plz crit

SlashJr	Date: August 7, 2005 @ 10:37 PM hey..this is a song about a boy whos dad never sees him..u can choose why.(man hor, deplpyment,etc.).the dad never says anything to the kid..as if he was never noticed..when hes home(rare) they never talk..in the end the boy kills himself..because he feels like hes a mistake and never should have lived...anywayz plz crit...i worked pretty hard on this..thanks. VERSE1 I talk about, what i would do, to be with my dad for minute or 2 Hes here today, but hes gone the next, why couldnt he be a normal dad like the rest? My Dad & I, Not at all close, he wasnt there when he was needed the most. Feelings locked inside, are what bring, tears to my eye when i see him leave. CHORUS I have a dad who thinks its right, to not see his son almost all his life. I really think im a mistake, im going to sleep,but never coming awake (the last line is meant to represent suicide.) VERSE 2 My Dad came back the other day, he looked at me and jus turned away. he walked off like he didnt care, that his own son was standing there. He did say bye,but then he was gone, took off again like nothings wrong. Why is he my dad? he never even tried, to even become any part of my life. CHORUS x1 BRIDGE TYPE THING i talk about, what i would do, to be with my dad for a minute or 2. but its not guna happen, im done, lets go. my lifes ending now, hell be glad to know.....(fades off with echo as if its the end of the song.) then chorus blasts back in and repeats 3 times. PLZ CRIT!! thanks.
IvoryKeys	Date: August 7, 2005 @ 11:13 PM Ya this is good.I would like to see a couple more verses get deeper into the sons physcey.The chourus was cool.But better describe the kids mind set and I think more emotion will be felt.Keep droppin
SlashJr	Date: August 8, 2005 @ 12:35 AM ^^thanks for the comment and advice..
AgentMGD	Date: August 9, 2005 @ 8:42 PM damn - felt the same way when my own dad wasn't around ...always on the move from one army base to another ...always on a "assignment" ... it was very good description how must of us military brats felt about our military parents.