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Forums > The General Forum: Thoughts For The Day

When I Become the Evil Overlord

Tattoomom	Date: October 4, 2007 @ 9:39 PM 1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. 2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 6. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No." 7. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. 8. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 9. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 10. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 11. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 12. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 13. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there are others just as attractive who are not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber. 14. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 15. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 16. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 17. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 18. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor. 19. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 20. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 21. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 22. I will spare someone who saved my life in the past. This is only reasonable, as it encourages others to do so. However, it's a one-time offer. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again. I love this! My absolute favorites are #18 and #19! If you want to read the article in its' entirety, go to www.sff.net/paradise/overlord.html
ShadowMom	Date: October 4, 2007 @ 9:48 PM "I will not grow a goatee"-- lady, you had me real worried until I reached the end.
AdNauseam	Date: October 4, 2007 @ 9:55 PM
DaveWL	Date: October 5, 2007 @ 1:28 PM Notice how Evil Overlords never apear in the list of top 20 best employers to work for.
FraDonaghy	Date: October 5, 2007 @ 1:43 PM
ebarbarella	Date: October 5, 2007 @ 1:50 PM nice one! if i was evil my favorites are # 2 and # 8 they always escape from there and they always do something funny if you give them a last wish
zedsalt	Date: October 5, 2007 @ 3:04 PM Someone should do a Dr. Seuss-style book with the same title as this thread.
Orion	Date: October 5, 2007 @ 6:13 PM
TameasDust	Date: October 6, 2007 @ 7:02 AM Your running for Prez in 2008
officernarc	Date: October 7, 2007 @ 4:33 AM On 5th Oct 2008, DaveWL said: Notice how Evil Overlords never apear in the list of top 20 best employers to work for.
DaveWL	Date: October 7, 2007 @ 6:04 AM come to think of it Starbucks won a best employer award recently