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Alcohol Troubleshooting...

Israfel	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:16 AM ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING Use this handy guide to gauge your alcohol consumption accordingly.... Symptom - Feet cold and wet. Fault - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Action - Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom - Feet warm and wet. Fault - Improper bladder control. Action - Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. Symptom - Drink unusually pale and tasteless. Fault - Glass empty. Action - Get someone to buy you another drink. Symptom - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Fault - You have fallen over backward. Action - Have yourself lashed to bar. Symptom - Mouth contains cigarette butts. Fault - You have fallen forward. Action - See above. Symptom - Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Fault - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action - Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. Symptom - Floor blurred. Fault - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Action - Get someone to buy you another drink. Symptom - Floor moving. Fault - You are being carried out. Action - Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom - Room seems unusually dark. Fault - Bar has closed. Action - Confirm home address with bartender. Symptom - Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. Fault - Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Action - Cover mouth. Symptom - Everyone looks up to you and smiles. Fault - You are dancing on the table. Action - Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Symptom - Drink is crystal-clear. Fault - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Action - Punch him. Symptom - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. Fault - You have been in a fight. Action - Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. Symptom - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. Fault - You've wandered into the wrong party. Action - See if they have free alcohol. Symptom - Your singing sounds distorted. Fault - The drink is too weak. Action - Have more alcohol until your voice improves. Symptom - Don't remember the words to the song. Fault - Drink is just right. Action - Play air guitar.
ShadowMom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:20 AM Awwww.... you're talking about me again!
Israfel	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:21 AM Well, I wasn't but now that you mention it!
ShadowMom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:25 AM I don't know if it's the wine or the 19-hour day that's going to get to me first... any bets?
Tattoomom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:26 AM what if you can't focus long enough to read the whole list? Then what?
Saadya	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:27 AM On 9th Feb 2009, Tattoomom said: what if you can't focus long enough to read the whole list? Then what? It says, just play air guitar.
ShadowMom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:28 AM Okay, I just have to say it... I can't find it anymore.
Israfel	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 1:30 AM If you can't read the entire list...you're beyond the mere troubleshooting phase and should proceed directly to the rehab phase.
Tattoomom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 2:27 AM Do they let you bring your own beer to rehab?
GTOriginal	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 8:02 AM Marijuana Troubleshooting: Symptom - Huh? Fault - I'm hungry Pizza.
Opossum	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 8:47 AM Native American sacred tobacco troubleshooting: Symptom - Blurry vision, white "threads" and floating "orbs" everywhere Fault - It ain't a Raleigh Action - Breathe
evansorchid	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 10:20 AM On 9th Feb 2009, Israfel said: Symptom - Your singing sounds distorted. Fault - The drink is too weak. Action - Have more alcohol until your voice improves. That sounds quite familiar.
zedsalt	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 11:09 AM I knew a guy who would go around the morning after a big party and drink all of the warm, stale beer left in the bottoms of all the bottles...including the ones containing more cigarette butts than beer. He'd just strain it through his front teeth.
ChillinBuzz	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 5:18 PM so... Mom, do you make it a habit of getting drunk and dancing on tables?
GeneHilbert	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 6:20 PM Dude.......!
ShadowMom	Date: February 9, 2008 @ 7:47 PM It's a hobby, not a habit! Wait-- that's a negative, don't DO that.
BOWILLIE	Date: February 10, 2008 @ 4:44 PM more like..getting a table and dancing on drunks..

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